To my dear wife

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.

• We will wake the children 17 times

• It's too late 15 times

• I'm too tired 5 times

• It's too early 52 times

• It's too hot 15 times

• Pretending to be asleep 49 times

• Window open the neighbours will hear 9 times

• Backache 2 times

• Headache 16 times

• Sunburnt 10 times

• Your mother will hear us 6 times

• Not in the mood 21 times

• Will wake the baby 17 times

• Watching the late TV show 7 times

• Too sore 9 times

• New hairdo 4 times

• Wrong time of the month 4 times

• You had to go to the toilet 9 times

On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your loving husband.

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To my dear husband

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.

 

• Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 7 times

• Didn't come home 29 times

• Didn't come 14 times

• Came too soon 26 times

• Went soft before you got in 18 times

• Toes in cramp 9 times

• Working late 49 times

• Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat 21 times

• In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls 4 times

• Caught it in your zip 6 times

• Got a cold, your nose keeps running 14 times

• Foster’s Flop 95 times

• Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue 9 times

• Had a splinter in your finger 4 times

• Lost the notion after thinking about it all day 13 times

• Came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book 8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on you back or with me kneeling?" The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their representative has been calling most afternoons.

Your loving wife.